Never the same
by zerocrash
Summary: It is very unwise to have all your dreams depening on one person. Because people rarely act the way you want them to. But what do you do when all your dreams die?
1. Beginning of the end

The characters and the drama is not mine. And trust me, I'm making no money with this story.

* * *

_" When life offers you a dream beyond any of your expectations, it's unreasonable to grieve when it comes to an end...."_

Ren woke up feeling cold. It took him only a few seconds to realize he was alone in his bed.

Yamato wasn't in the apartment.

But Ren wasn't worried. Yamato was supposed to go home and change this morning. They were after all graduating today.

He dressed unhurriedly, for once happy that Kaoruko had to go to work early.

She'd promised to come to the graduation ceremony later.

He was surprised to be in school before Yamato got there, but wrote it off on Yamato's mother fussing over him.

However by the time the ceremony begun he'd gotten worried. There was no sign of Yamato anywhere. And the rest of their crew was growing restless.

The ceremony went by, 3-D looking unusually subdued without their second leader.

Ren fished out his phone as soon as they left the gymnasium.

" Moshi-moshi."

" Is Yamato there?"

" No. Kazama-kun, right?"

" Yes."

" Yamato went to study. His plane left an hour ago."

Later Ren couldn't remember putting away his phone. Nor leaving the school. He could vaguely remember a copious amount of alcohol, but only vaguely. He could remember coldness. The sound of water somewhere close. And darkness.

He wasn't sure how he got home, why he was even there, or even why he was still breathing.

Yamato had left, without as much as a word.

Ren felt like someone had pulled the world from under him.

Everything he'd known, hoped for and planned had changed in a moment, and now he was left without a direction.

Most of all Ren felt lost.


	2. Alone

You know how this goes. I don't own.......

* * *

_There were no more silly jokes. No more laughing and happiness. There was only endless loneliness._

_How could he go on like this? He was too tiered, too alone to actually even care._

_He had hoped that in time this feeling would lessen, that every moment apart from Yamato would make him need Yamato less. But he had been wrong. With every passing day he felt more and more pain. It was becoming obvious he was never going to care for anyone like he did for Yamato. Girls had asked him out, damn even a guy had asked him out, and he'd said no every time._

_Thankfully Kaoruko was too busy dating some guy, one of Kuma's friends, to notice Ren's lack of interest in other people. Or maybe she just knew him well enough to not say anything._

_Ren knew very well he was depressed, but there was nothing he could do. Nothing really mattered anymore. There were too few nights he was able to sleep without seeing Yamato in his dreams._

_There was this one place he went to. A roof top. He'd found this place about a week after graduation._

_From here he could see a certain house and the setting sun would reflect on one certain window._

_He knew he was torturing himself, but for some reason he couldn't stop coming here._

_He knew Yamato wasn't there. Yamato had disappeared after graduation and not even his mother knew where he was. The only signs of him still being alive were the letters he sometimes wrote to his mother._

_Ren knew he should celebrate when Kaoruko announced her engagement just months after his graduation. He did try. Even smiled._

_He smiled for real when nine months later Kaoruko gave birth to Ayaka._

_The moment Ren held her in his arms he felt his heart heal just a bit._

_So of course he became the number one babysitter. Even when Ayaka was too small for Kaoruko to need one._

_Probably because Kaoruko could see the effect it was having on Ren._

_Which was also why she insisted Ren spend every moment away from work with her and Aya._

_Ren had once asked if Tsucchi, that was her husbands name, minded him being there all the time. Kaoruko has just laughed and said it was always more quiet with Ren than with Tsucchi's friends._

_It was painful for Ren to see Tsucchi's friends. They were too much like his own friends had used to be, before everything changed._

_There were especially those two, never apart even for a second. Most of the time Ren was sure they even breathed in the same rhythm. They made Ren's loneliness even more painful._

_So he preferred to avoid Tsucchi's friends._

_Sometimes he preferred to avoid his own friends._

_But none of that of course made things easier._

* * *

A/N: Can't promise to upload the next chapter very soon. Kind of have to write 3 papers and everything.


	3. Birthday party in hell

_Aya's first birthday party was a huge event. With Tsucchi's friends and Kaoruko's friends and even Ren's friends. _

_And Ren wanted nothing more to be rid of all of them. _

_He hated the silent questioning looks from his tactful ex-classmates, and the not so silent questions of the less tactful ones._

_Hated the pity in Ichi's eyes, and the compassion in Kamiya's. _

_And most of all he hated the emptiness in himself. _

_He'd been able to avoid everyone quite well until the party. _

_By the end of the evening Ren was sure this was hell. Had anyone offered him a way out.. no matter what it might have been he would have taken it._

_But no, there he was stuck smiling and talking to people he had no desire to see. _

_Ren was surprised to realize that some of them, namely Kura, had grown up a lot. While others had not, he decided when Honjo managed to trip over him spilling the coffee he'd been drinking all over his best suit, his only one. _

_In the end he was sure it was Yamato's mother being there that irritated him the most. But there was no way he could tell Kaoruko that. She'd found a friend in Yamato's mother when she needed one the most. And Ren was pretty sure he and Tsucchi both had to thank her for Kaoruko not driving them insane in the past year. _

_Ren liked Kaoruko's home. It was a bright place, just like Kaoruko, a little rough around the edges, just like she and Tsucchi. _

_Ren wondered what Ayaka would be like when she grows up._

_Later after all the guests had left Kaoruko came up to him with a smile._

" _What do you want?" he asked seeing right through that too bright smile, she only wore when she wanted something._

" _Could you stay with Aya? Hikaru wanted to celebrate." _

" _Sure. It's not like I have a life or anything." Ren muttered._

" _Ren...." the smile had faded._

" _You go. Have fun. We'll be just fine." Ren tried to smile. Probably failed._

"_We'll be back soon." She hugged him making him sputter._

" _Love you. Be a good girl for Ren." She kissed the top of Aya's head before handing her over to Ren. _

_Ren watched them drive away with a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach. _

_But wrote if off to something of the weird things he'd eaten that night. _

_Then sat and told Aya stories. From his own time in 3-D, and some of the more amusing ones he'd heard from Tsucchi's friends. _

_Those two had been at the party. Hayato had been fussing over Aya as much as Kaoruko was. _

_Ryu had stood in the shadows with an amused smile watching._

_Something about Ryu reminded him of Yamato. _

_Ren guessed it was the way they both were never really a part of everything. Preferring to stand and watch..._

_And how they knew things. _

_Like that last birthday Ryu had gotten him that ridiculously expensive leather coat he'd wanted for a long time. _

_Ren had been sure no one had ever seen him looking at it. But apparently that wasn't true. _

_They'd had a big row over before he'd accepted it. _

_Finally Aya had fallen asleep in his arms._

_Ren had just tucked her in in her bed when the phone rang._


	4. In between

_See two chapters in one evening. Or well night... _

_But that's not important. I believe you all remeber I don't own any of these people... I know: life's unfair, but they would have never shown Gokusen if I did..so..._

* * *

Ren had used his gun before.

Practice, threatening.

But he'd never shoot anyone before.

Even though it was justified. He had protected himself.

And Yankumi.

But still.

He felt like shit.

He felt like he was turning into some kind of a monster.

" As long as you feel this. As long as you regret having to take a persons life. You'll never be a monster."

Yankumi sat down next to him.

" You shouldn't bother with my problems, Ojou." He said quietly.

" You keep forgetting. You're still my precious student. I'll always worry about you, Ren."

" You are right. This is hard. But... It's the closest to a family that I have." Ren whispered remembering what she had said when Ren had decided to join them.

She had fought him every step of the way. Until Kaoruko died.

" You still have Ayaka. It won't do her any good if you die."

" I know that." Ren snapped getting up.

" Have you found a nanny?"

" No. Ami's been amazing, but I'm sure she's tiered. Besides she's busy enough with Nana as it is."

" I have a friend. Kawashima Kikuno. She used to be a nurse in the first school I taught. I think she hasn't found a job yet. She said she'd like to be a nanny instead of a nurse. Something about working with small children instead of teenagers."

" Can you give her my number? I'll talk to her and see how it goes."

" Sure. Go home for today, Ren." She had started using his first name when he'd been officially taken to the clan.

" I'm on watch tonight, Ojou. So thank you, but I'll stay." Ren had amazed Yankumi with the way he fit in. They had all been a little afraid that he'd bring his defiance into his training. But that had never happened. Ren had been quiet and obedient. Although Yankumi had a pretty good idea why that was.

" You could bring Ayaka here. In the weekend." She said her voice unusually subdued.

" I might."

" I'd be happy." She smiled.

Ren almost smiled. Yankumi sighed getting back up. This was the most anyone could get these days. A ghost of a smile that was gone long before you even realized it had been there.

It never reached his eyes though. His eyes were looking more and more dead every day. The light behind them dim and barely noticeable.

Yankumi wondered if the Kazama Ren who went to 3-D was still somewhere in there. If the silence just hid the defiant boy or if it had consumed and destroyed him.

" I have to go now." Ren said before disappearing into the house.

Yankumi sat and thought for a while.

Suddenly her grandfather emerged from the house.

" What's wrong, Kumiko?"

" I'm worried about Ren. He's too quiet."

" Pain changes people. Especially if it's emotional pain. And he's been through so much in such a short time. It would be hard for a man a lot older than he is. But he's dealing with the situation as best as he can."

" I know, but I still wish I could help him." Yankumi smiled sadly to her grandfather as he led her inside.

It was around eight when Ren rushed into Kuma's ramen-shop.

" I'm sorry I'm late." He said at Ami's lifted eyebrow.

" It's fine." She answered gently.

" I promised I'd be here half an hour ago." Ren looked ashamed.

" And I know you're late for a reason." Ami soothed.

" Ayaka. Hi." He whispered picking the sleeping child up. She was so small. And fragile. He sometimes feared he wouldn't be able to protect her.

She opened her eyes sleepily for a moment before closing them again and snuggling deeper into his arms.

He was still amazed how this small angel could love him so much from the moment he'd first picked her up in the hospital.

He was always the one to calm her and put her to sleep, even when Kaoruko had been alive. She said Ayaka just liked his voice the most. And then forced him to sing to her.

But that had been then. And this was now. She had been so small when she'd lost her parents. When he'd lost his sister.

" We'd better get home."

" We just ate, so she should be fine. Oh and we're going to be away on Sunday, so I'm afraid I can't take care of her then." Ami seemed regretful.

" It'll be fine. I'll take her with me."

" Kuraki-kun was in the shop today."

" How is he?" Ren asked quietly. It had been too painful to see his old friends. But that didn't mean he didn't care about them.

" He was with Kamiya-kun and they asked about you."

" I see. I'll see you day after tomorrow?" Ren had a day off the next day.

" Yes."

" Goodbye." Ren picked up the bag with Ayaka's things and walked to his car.

After securing Ayaka in her seat he threw the bag on the front seat and started the car. Ayaka didn't even wake up.

Nor did she wake up when Ren took her out of the car and brought her into the house and put her to her bed.

Ren stood for a moment just looking at her. Before busying himself with getting ready for his own sleep.

Ayaka was a good child, maybe sensing that Ren was suffering enough, and usually slept quietly through the night.

Also Ayaka was a quiet child. And shy. She loved to talk to Ren in her own language, but he was also the only one. Ami had heard her use a few words, in correct Japanese for the things she needed.

But somehow that quiet child had become the only person Ren still cared about. His only connection to the world of the living.


	5. Different

A/N: So.. I know it's short. I promise I'll have the next one up soon.... maybe even finish my thesis some time soon ( if Ren stops haunting me)....

* * *

His day off was also the time for Ayaka's check-up with the doctor. The up side of working for the yakuza was the use of Oedo clans doctor, which meant no waiting and being sure he knew Ayaka. After that they spent most of the day shopping. Ren had noticed that Ayaka was running out of clothes that actually fit her. And realized that it had been a while since they'd gone shopping the last time.

Ren was amazed to walk into a clothing store for children and find Kamiya there.

" Ren..." Kamiya seemed hesitant.

" Hi." Ren said quietly.

Kamiya walked out to him shooing the helper that had showed up.

" How can I help you?" He asked with laughter in his voice and a mock bow.

" Are you qualified enough to help me?" Ren asked with the same laughter.

" Sure. Ayaka's so big already." he sighed. It had been so long since they'd seen each other.

" Yeah."

Kamiya took them out for dinner.

" I'm happy you're better." he said quietly.

" I decided I had to stop being selfish. Ayaka needs me. And I'm not a child anymore."

" Are you okay?"

" Yeah."

" We've been trying to see you."

" I know. I've been busy."

" So you say."

" It's.. It's been really hard seeing you guys. I'm sorry that I haven't been around much. But I can't. It's too painful."

" I understand."

" You have no idea how much I sometimes wish we'd never kissed in the first place. But there's a part of me that will never let go of that feeling I felt for Yamato."

Kamiya smiled to Ren.

" Still to have such beautiful skin ruined forever."

" That's the price I had to pay for my foolishness. And I'm never going to forget that."

" Ren..."

" I don't need your pity."Ren slowly got up and left. Making Kamiya feel like he'd just lost all progress they'd made.

Ren's anger dissolved by the time he got Ayaka back into the car.

He realized that maybe he'd been a little rash in his behavior towards Kamiya.

But it had been incredibly hard to talk to anyone from 3-D.

Somehow seeing any of them made things worse. Not that the pain ever actually went away, but with time it had become so much a part of him that he didn't even think about it.

Loss of both Yamato and Kaoruko had left him drained and empty. And no one seemed to be able to fill it.

A part of Ren knew no one probably would.


	6. Dealing with the past

A/N : As to not confuse anyone this chapter is in most a flashback. And no I haven't finished my thesis yet... I will... probably...maybe...

* * *

Kamiya watched Ren leave as the memories swept him away.

-------

_There was the weirdest silence in the appartment when Kamiya entered. He was pretty sure Ren didn't even know he had the key. Yamato's key to be exact._

_ Because he was very sure he had never mentioned Yamato leaving it with him._

_ Well actually Yamato had left the key and the note for him with his mother. In any case he was sure Ren would not like information being hiden from him. _

_But. No one had seen Ren in the last week, and everyone was becoming very worried. _

_The eere silence made him uneasy as Kamiya moved through the appartment in search of his old friend. _

_When he stepped into the bathroom, he almost wished he hadn't found Ren. _

_It seemed there was blood everywhere. The bath was overflowing. _

_Ren was sitting in the bathtub, his head resting against the wall. _

_His eyes were open, but glazed over._

_Kamiya grabbed some towels wrapping them around Ren's bleeding wrists._

_" Don't...." He was startled when Ren's eyes fixed on his._

_" Just leave..." Ren murmured trying to pull his hands away. _

_Kamiya stared at him in confusion for a second._

_" Just...let..just let me go..." Ren finally whispered. _

_" You... You're an idiot!" Kamiya yelled wrapping the towels tighter around Ren's arms before pulling him out of the tub._

_Ren was trembling. And in any other situation Kamiya would have found it funny. _

_Ren of all people, naked and trembling. Not to mention suicidal. _

_Although that last part wasn't funny at all. _

_Kamiya got Ren to his bed and helped him pull on a pair of pajama pants, before calling an ambulance. _

_The bleeding had stopped by the time it arrived. _

_The drive to the hospital had been hell. _

_But looking into Ren's eyes and seeing nothing was even worse. _

_His body was still alive, but something, that thing that made him Ren, was gone._

_" It's all Yamato's fault." Honjo raged next to him just outside Ren's room. _

_" No it's not. Yamato didn't put the blade to Ren's wrists."_

_" But Yamato left him, like Ren was yesterdays trash or something."_

_" Yamato had a reason for leaving." Kamiya argued back._

_" And what would excuse what he did to Ren?"_

_" I don't know why he left. But he wouldn't have left without a reason. He loves Ren."_

_" Yamato loves no one. I'm willing to bet he has no idea what love is."_

_" Shut up, before I do something I'll regret." Kamiya snapped._

_" Fine." Honjo walked away._

_" He's right you know." Ichi said standing from his seat._

_" No one's keeping you here." Kamiya said quietly._

_Ichi left. _

_" Do you have something to say?" Kamiya swirled around to face Kura._

_" They're both idiots." Kura said looking at Ren trough the window._

_" Things are just going to get worse from here." _

_" Yes." Kura agreed._

- - -

And they had. Ren had shut them all out.

Ren had started working somewhere. And from the look of things he was earning a lot of money.

And of course Kamiya and Honjo couldn't spent five minutes in the same room these days without fighting.


	7. Return of the Traitor

A/N: Finished the thesis, and so here's a treat....

* * *

Four years was far too long Ogata Yamato decided seeing Kamiya on his second day back in Japan. They've both changed very little on the outside and too much on the inside.

Finally after 20 minutes of talking he asked.

" He's working." Was Kamiya's answer, but something in his voice said that something was being left unsaid.

" Ren still lives at his old place?" Yamato asked as Kamiya got up to leave.

" Yeah." there was a beat of silence. " Yamato, I'd be careful if I were you. Kazama's nothing like the person you remember."

" Wha..."

" Just be careful, okay?"

" Yeah, sure." The strangest thing was Yamato could actually hear the sigh of relief coming from Kamiya. 

Kamiya walked back to work remembering the last time he'd seen Ren. After Ren had come to his shop with Ayaka, about a year ago, Kamiya had decided to visit him.

Not a very smart decision on his part. He'd been literally kicked out. And threatened at gun point to never return.

Kura had been treated pretty much the same way.

Kamiya knew Ren had good days. He'd called and apologized, but still refused to see any of them.

But they were few and far between.

He also remembered Ami slapping Kura for daring to suggest that maybe it wasn't the best idea letting Ren raise Ayaka.

" Ren's her family. He'd never hurt her." she'd hissed before walking away.

Kamiya wondered how everything around him had changed. There was no Ren, no Yamato, no Honjo and no Ichi. Just him and Kura. And he felt sad.

But now Yamato had returned. And Kamiya wasn't sure what to think.

He wondered if he should hate Yamato for leaving, for everything that Ren'd been through.

But then Yamato had always been his friend. And he was sure Yamato had a reason. Although with everything that had happened he was starting to doubt that any reason could be good enough.

Ren, the Ren they'd known, was, for all intents and purposes, dead. The person he was now, was someone else completely. 

Yamato felt nervous walking up to Ren's house.

It had been very long since he'd seen the boy... no now a grown man.

Finally he hesitantly knocked on the front door.


	8. Surprises

A/N: I hate formating... or well things that ruin my hard work...

* * *

Yamato wasn't sure what he had expected. But definitely not this.

And the fact was that the gun at his head didn't scare him half as much as the look in those eyes.

Those eyes he'd loved so much were filled with death.

" What can I do for you, Ogata-san?" Ren asked bluntly and the gun was hidden away. The look however didn't disappear.

" Ren..."

" Kazama-san, she wanted to see you before you leave." A woman with a small girl in her arms walked into the kitchen where Ren had moved.

" Hey, sweetness." He whispered taking the girl from the woman.

Yamato stood frozen at the door. Those eyes. The ones he'd been hoping to see were looking back at him. Smaller and a little softer, but those were the eyes he loved. Gentle and kind. Ren's eyes. But it's not Ren anymore. Ren's eyes were cold now. And this little girl had those eyes that Yamato loved so much.

" You be a good girl for Nana, okay."

" Yes." the girl murmured and planted a small kiss on Ren's cheek. Ren gave her back to the woman and put his cup into the sink before taking his gun from the table and placing it into the holster on his back. He pulled a black coat off his chair and walked to the door.

" Would you mind leaving, Ogata-san." He said quietly, but Yamato caught the warning in his voice. He followed Ren out. Yamato was amazed how little had Ren changed outwardly.

His hair was a little longer than before, but the highlights were still there. His lean body might have more muscles than before but Yamato wasn't sure.

Ren still wore boots, but now they were a usual military issue instead of the boots he'd used to wear in school. The coat pillowed around him in the crisp air. The black jeans suit him just perfectly.

" Ren..." He pleaded touching his shoulder gently. Ren whirled around at that and Yamato found himself facing the gun again.

Ren sighed and removed his gun.

" Sorry..." He muttered and this was the first time that Yamato saw flickers of Ren. The Ren that he remembered.

But then a moment passed and he was gone. There was a cold look and an emotionless face that Yamato had never connected with Kazama Ren of all people.

" How are you, Ren?" He asked quietly walking down the street with Ren.

" Fine, thank you, Ogata-san." came a formal answer. It hurt. For some reason.

They walked to a car, and Yamato wondered when Ren learned how to drive. But then again he wondered when Ren learned to use a gun with such ease.

" We could have been happy." Ren whispered quietly getting into his car. And somehow that hurt more than anything in Yamato's life ever had. The car door was pulled shut before Yamato got to think of an answer and in a second Ren was gone. Leaving Yamato alone and feeling worse than ever before in his life.

Ren was surprised when he was able to get to work, without actually crashing the car. He was shivering even when he finally got out of the car. He took a few deep breaths trying to figure out if he was more angry or afraid. It took him a moment to realize that it hurt. The pain over shadowed the fear and the anger.

" Ren?" Yankumi had stepped out of the house and was looking at him with worry.

" He's back." was all Ren said before walking away to take on his duties for the day.


	9. All the wrong moves

A/N: I know it's been a while. I am sorry. And I'm still trying to battle FFnet's formatting eating system...

* * *

Yamato was there, just outside Ren's house. Every single morning.

And Ren walked past him without a word every time.

Ren wasn't sure what Yamato was up to, but he was sure it was nothing he'd like to be a part of.

Was Yamato there just to hurt him even more? Or did he really think everything would go back to the way it was?

Before they.... Before Yamato left.

Ren cursed himself. He should not have been so weak. He should have never made love to Yamato.

He'd kept his secret well, Ren still wasn't sure why that night had been different.

Maybe he'd been tiered of hiding. Or maybe he'd realized on some level that Yamato might be gone from his life forever.

Well a lot of good it did him. Yamato hadn't cared. He'd taken what he wanted and left.

RYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRY

" You should take a few days off." A quiet voice surprised Ren.

It was strange how quiet Yankumi's voice got when it wasn't obnoxiously cheerful.

" No, thank you."

" Are you sure?"

" Yes. How's the planning going?"

" Oh, well, you know Takeshi, he has to argue with the decorators, and the florist and well almost everyone."

" Sounds like fun."

" Yes, I only have the desire to strangle him every ten minutes."

" I remember when Kaoruko and Tsucchi were planning their wedding. It was like a battlefield. I always thought it was wise to stay out of their way."

" I think Takeshi's extra edgy because Sawada's coming to the wedding. I'm getting the feeling he's expecting me to run off with Sawada."

" The others tell me he loved you."

" No, he had a crush on me. A year in Africa made him see that. Besides, I've never loved him."

" You and Takeshi are the perfect mach." Ren said quietly suddenly feeling sad.

" Are you sure you don't want a day or two off?"

" Yes. Besides, I wouldn't want to miss all the drama." Ren smirked hearing a male voice calling for Yankumi.

" I must leave. My Prince Charming is calling." Yankumi laughed.

Ren wondered if it would take him as long as it had Yankumi to find his happiness. And if he'd ever get to be as happy as she was.

Yankumi was radiant in her happiness.

RYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRY

At the end of the day Ren went home to find Ayaka watching cartoons and Kawashima-san finishing dinner.

She would cook, sometimes, when in a good mood. And Ayaka would refuse going to bed until Ren was home.

Ren had considered kinder-garden and Ayaka had even gone to see a few with him. But she didn't like other children or even other people all that much.

She still went to play with Nana a few times a week. Ami was adamant about keeping Nana at home with her as long as possible.

At first Ren had been worried about Ayaka and other kids, but Ami had calmed him saying that not all children had to like other children.

There were days when he worried about not being a good parent to Ayaka.

But then Kawashima-san or Ami or even Yankumi would tell him, that the only thing that mattered was that he loved her. That made them a family.

RYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRY

" Ren..."

Finally Ren'd had enough.

" What do you want Ogata?" he demanded.

" Could we... I don't know... talk maybe?"

" No. We will not talk. And we will not do anything else either."

" But Ren..."

" Go find a whore." Ren spat walking away and leaving Yamato behind looking stunned.


	10. Painful truth

A/N: Warning, I am graduating, moving and getting a job, and I probably won't have a internet connection at the new place for a while. But! I am not abandoning this fic... mostly cause I love it so much... Promise to try and write a couple chapters before disappearing.

* * *

Yamato sat down in a cafe not far from Ren's home. The words still ringing in his ears.

" What the hell are you doing back?" he heard a growl. And turned his head to see his own second-in-command growling at him.

" Honjo." there was a warning tone in Yamato's voice as he answered.

" We're not in high school anymore, Ogata, so don't think that tone works with me anymore."

" Honjo..." Ichi's softer voice sounded.

" He has no right to come sauntering back as if nothing's changed." Honjo's voice was filled what Yamato could to his amazement define only as hatred. Towards him. Honjo, one of his friends hated him.

And he had no idea why.

" What..." Yamato started to ask.

" Ask Kamiya. He's the only one even remotely close to your side in this." Ichi cut him off sharply before dragging the still seething Honjo away and leaving Yamato stare after them in shock.

Finally he recovered enough to fish out his phone.

" Shunsuke..." he whispered when it was picked up on the other end.

" Yamato? What happened? Where are you?" came frantic questions that made Yamato realize he must be sounding really bad.

" A cafe. Near Ren's place. I... please come and get me..."

" The one on the corner? With green tables?"

" Yes..."

" I'll be there in ten." the phone went dead.

Kamiya was surprised at what he found. The person in the cafe looked so very little like Ogata Yamato he'd known in school.

The man at the table was older, much older than he should have looked, and completely broken.

Like a puppet whose strings have been cut.

" Come on. I'll give you a ride home." Kamiya said quietly and watched the man-puppet get into his car.

" I love him, you know." Yamato said quietly gazing at the passing houses through the window.

" I know." Kamiya's grip on the stearing wheel got a bit stronger.

" He told me he loved me the night before I left."

" I know that too."

" But I thought I could never love him. And now I do." It seemed Yamato wasn't even aware he was speaking out loud.

" Why would you even consider sleeping with him, if you didn't love him?" Kamiya's knuckles were turning white.

" I never said I didn't desire him."

Kamiya stayed silent since a big part of him wanted to kick Yamato for his stupidity.

" What happened, Shunsuke? Why do they hate me? Why don't you hate me?" Yamato asked quietly.

Kamiya looked at him taken aback. Then concentrating on the road again.

" You want me to hate you?"

" No.. That's not what I mean. You know what I mean.."

" Because unlike them, I'm willing to believe it wasn't your fault, well that you had no idea what would happen. And you couldn't have known he'd leave all of us because of that. You have to understand Honjo. Things went really bad after you left. And Honjo wasn't ready to deal with that. And it was easier just to blame everything on you."

" But blame what? What happened?"

" Ren, you see after you left, he stopped talking to us, talking to anyone. And then Ayaka was born and we thought things had gotten better, but then Kaoruko died, and Ren... He couldn't take it anymore..."

" Turn left here."

" Here?"

" Yeah. And stop by that red building." Yamato pointed at the building.

" Okay. Why did we stop here?"

" I've got an apartment here." Yamato said getting out of the car. Kamiya followed him with a surprised face.

" Why don't you live with your mother?"

" Don't want to." They entered the apartment.

" So what happened?" Yamato asked looking out of the window with his back to Kamiya.

" He tried to kill himself." Kamiya said slumping on Yamato's sofa.

Yamato was silent.

" I found him... it... Trust me I still see nightmares. It was terrifying."

" Can... Is there anything I can do?" Yamato asked desperately.

" No. This is Ren's life. The things that happened neither of you can erase them, nor the scars they caused. And I'm not sure there's any of the old Ren left anymore."

" There was a flicker of him. Just before driving away he looked at me. I mean really looked and said that we could have been happy. And it was him. The gun... the coldness... the disregard... that wasn't my Ren, but in that second... I swear he's still there. Still hurting and I need to do something, anything, just to make him hurt less."

" Well, I have no idea what you should do."

" I might have a plan." Yamato almost smiled. And Kamiya felt uncomfortable. Usually Yamato's plans involved him. And he really really didn't want to get in Ren's way.


	11. Would have never guessed

A/N: I'm Baaaaaaaaaaaack! Thank You to everyone who waited so long for this part..

* * *

Yamato pulled out his phone and dialed the number he'd been calling far too often lately.

" Hello?" The voice that answered wasn't Kamiya's, but it still sounded familiar.

" Is Kamiya there?"

" Sure. Oy! Shunsuke! It's Yamato." And then it clicked.

" Kura?"

" Yeah. Give him a sec. He's in the sho...Shit... He didn't tell you did he?"

" No." Yamato almost smiled. He could almost see Kura with his eyes wide in horror.

" Um... so... I...we..."

" Take good care of him." Yamato said quietly.

" And you take care of Ren."Kura surprised Yamato with this.

" He's not mine to take care of."

" Shunsuke wasn't mine either. At the beginning." Kura said and Yamato understood what he meant.

" Will it be okay if I came by in maybe half an hour?" Yamato asked.

" Sure. I'll make coffee." Kura answered.

Half an hour later Yamato sat in Kamiya's kitchen with the two of them.

Kamiya was blushing and Kura hadn't still looked at him.

" So how long did it take for you two to realize that you loved each other?" Yamato asked.

The signs had been there ever since they first met.

" A while. Not as long as you and Ren though." Kamiya said quietly.

" You knew?" Kura asked quietly. He seemed wary for some reason.

" Yes."

" And you're okay with this?" he asked weakly.

" To be honest... I'm thrilled. You guys are perfect." Kura stared at Yamato hearing this.

" But... this is me... I'm stupid and useless..."

" Satoru..." Kamiya drew a sharp look from Kura at the use of his full name. " Don't start with this. I could never find anyone I'd love more than you. Never."

" I know how you feel..." Yamato whispered, his voice raw with emotion.

" Yamato..." Kura looked at him.

" But I have a plan how to get him back."

Kamiya bit back a comment on how Ren hadn't really been Yamato's to begin with.

" What if it doesn't work?" Kura asked instead.

" Then I'll find one that does." Both men noticed a little frantic note in Yamato's voice.

RYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYR

This was not good, Ren decided feeling cold metal at the back of his head.

Everything should have been easy. Escort Yankumi from point A to point B. Simple.

However not today. So here they were surrounded.

" I would drop the gun if I were you." a voice whispered to Ren, and he could feel the metal digging into his skin.

In a split second Ren went over his options, not that there were many.

But before he could decide Yankumi's voice distracted the thug.

In a quick move Ren had him disarmed and on the floor.

Ren smirked at the thug now unconscious on the floor.

And then there was a blinding flash of pain that sent him to the floor as the darkness swallowed him.


	12. Changes

I know, I know it's short.. and late.. well.. I'm incredibly sorry.

Anyway..as you know I don't own them...

So on with the story...

* * *

Next days, weeks even, for Ren passed in a haze of pain and unconsciousness.

He was aware there were doctors and nurses and people he knew coming to see him, but they were all just shadows in dreams.

The first visitor Ren had after waking up finally was Yankumi.

He apologized for not being careful enough, Yankumi called him an idiot, and that was that.

Ayaka came to see him, with Ami and Nana. The girl climbed carefully into the bed next to Ren, attached herself to him and refused to leave. It took Ami and Yankumi a full hour to coax her into leaving.

Ren wasn't surprised to see most of his old friends. Apparently it had occurred to them he couldn't avoid them there.

He was allowed to go home two weeks later. But the doctors said he still had to take things easy for a while. Ren on his own would have probably gone back to work the next day, but he changed his mind – after Yankumi was finished with her lecture. Something about the threat to be shot on sight, makes one not so eager to return to work.

RYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYR

" You know he came to see you every day." Kamiya said. He'd come over for a cup of coffee. Since the shooting Kamiya and Kura had wormed their way back into Ren's life. And he liked it. These days he didn't need to look at them to remember Yamato, so seeing them didn't hurt as much. And he remembered what life was like with real friends to look out for you.

" It doesn't matter." Ren answered, but his voice gave away his doubts.

" He really cares about you, even if he is a jerk at times."

Ren looked away not wanting to hear what Kamiya had to say, and yet for some reason not able to walk away.

" Maybe you'll consider giving him a second chance? It's not like it can get any worse, is it?"

" Besides now I know a lot more ways to end it all." Ren's voice was dripping with sarcasm.

" Maybe this time you won't think of things like that. You two could be happy together."

" Yes, and we could be miserable together. The fact that we might have feelings for each other does not mean we'll automatically be happy." Ren said quietly.

" Why?" Kamiya sounded surprised.

" Neither of us is good at dealing with problems, and being together is definitely going to create them. Besides do you really think someone's gonna leave Aya with me if we're together. You know how hard it was for me to get custody in the first place." Ren's voice turned harder.

" You've both grown and changed, besides I'm willing to bet everyone would do what they can to help you keep Aya."

Ren didn't say anything, quietly sipping his coffee.

Over the next few days he thought a lot about Kamiya's words. And a big part of him wanted to believe it. Believe that they had both changed enough for them to actually have a chance together.

RYRYRYRYRY

One morning, about a week after Ren got home from the hospital, Yamato was at his door.

" May I come in?"

Ren simply opened the door wider and stepped out of Yamato's way.

" What do you want?" He asked following Yamato into his kitchen.

" To talk. Please just listen to what I have to say." Yamato looked broken.


	13. Sweet words

Um... if anyone's still reading this... I'm sorry it took this long.

But here you have it. Yamato's epic speech.

* * *

"I know I haven't been… well anything good. I was supposed to be your best friend and I failed at that. Then I was supposed to be the one you could love.

And I let you down even more. Ren, I know that I've failed every time you needed my support. But I won't do it ever again. I can't do it again."

Ren sat quietly through Yamato's speech.

"Are you ready to tell me why you left?" He asked quietly.

Yamato started pacing. He didn't know what to say, or even how to say it to make Ren understand.

"I was scared…."he began quetly. "You…. You loved me so much… Even before… I knew you loved me.

And… and no one had ever loved me…. So it scared me… even more when I … when I realized I might feel something for you too….

And then.. Father offered me a ticket… out… but.. I couldn't just leave… not without saying good-bye..

And…well you know what happened that night… I almost didn't leave. But I couldn't stay… I… I was nothing… I could offer you nothing… so I couldn't believe you could ever really love me..

And… I ran. I know I can't change it, but I'm very sorry I hurt you." Yamato bowed in apology.

The silence in Ren's kitchen was deafening. Yamato didn't dare to move, or even breath.

"I can understand why you did it."Ren said so quietly that Yamato barely heard him. "It doesn't make it hurt less, but I understand."

"I know that you probably don't want to hear this, but… I.. I do love you."Yamato said quietly.

Ren startled Yamato by jumping up from his seat. Yamato flinched half-expecting Ren to hit him.

" I don't know what to say… Back then I would have given anything to hear you say that. Right now… I need time to think." Ren said avoiding Yamato's eyes.

"I'll go then."

He was almost out the door when he heard Ren whisper:

"I'll see you soon, Yamato."

Yamato's heart was filled with hope. If nothing else Ren had listened to what he had to say. Even if Ren never wanted to be with him, now Ren knew what Yamato felt for him.


	14. Darkness at the end of the light

To everyone who has stuck with me through this story: Thank You! This is the end. I think.

* * *

Kamiya couldn't help but to stare at Ren who was currently sitting in his kitchen and drinking coffee. Ren had just showed up at his door, after almost four years of avoidance, and apologized for the way he had treated all of them. Their conversation had been strained at first, but slowly it became more and more like it had been before.

Kamiya was startled by the doorbell.

Apparently Kura had forgotten his keys. Any other day Kamiya would have found the terrified look Kura got seeing Ren in the kitchen funny, but not at the moment.

" Ren..." Kura whispered.

" Hi, Kura." Ren smiled.

"Shunsuke... I... We.."

" I already knew." Ren simply said.

Kamiya and Kura exchanged a look.

" I know I've been avoiding talking to you guys, but I still know what's been going on. And I know you guys haven't been talking to Ichi and Honjo because of me."

" Not just you. There are other issues."

" Of course. Yamato too right?"

Kura stayed silent.

" We disagree on a lot more than our views about you and Yamato. And perhaps we've grown a part. We're all grown-ups now. And we've all changed."

" That's true, but without me and Yamato, and our drama, you would have had a lot more time to grow up. At least that's what I think."

They changed the subject and spent a day catching up with everything.

RYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRY

Almost a week later Ren asked Yamato out to a cafe. Since he couldn't find a nanny so soon he took Aya with him. Ren and Aya chose a table outside, to enjoy the sunny day and so Aya could watch people walking by. She had a small sketchpad and a multitude of colored pencils she used to draw people-like scribble. Ren watched her with a mix of amusement and pride. Yamato showed up sharply on time. He sat at the table with a small smile.

Ren ordered coffee and juice while Aya busied herself drawing three people and big red hearts all over the white paper.

Neither said much, their time mostly filled by silence and shy smiles.

" I think we could start over." Ren said quietly almost half an hour later. " From the very beginning." he clarified.

Yamato nodded.

" I can do that. Hello, I'm Ogata Yamato."

" Hello, It's nice to meet you. I'm Kazama Ren, and this is Ayaka." Aya giggled quietly.

" It's nice to meet you, princess." Yamato smiled bowing to the little girl. Aya laughed. Yamato straightened out and met Ren's eyes. Slowly his hand rose to touch Ren's face.

A whirl of wind caught Aya's drawing and it took flight. Unnoticed by the two grownups Aya slipped out of her seat and ran after it. They noticed her seconds later when she was already in the middle of the road. Yamato ran after her and caught her effortlessly. However it was already to late. He managed to push her out of the way, but he himself didn't manage to avoid the truck speeding down the road.

RYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRY

The sun was shining and you could hear birds singing somewhere.

Ren's voice echoed in the air.

" I can probably say Yamato was the one person who changed my life the most. He turned it upside down not once but twice in his short years. My dear friend, you gave me too much happiness to say anything bad, and too much pain to say anything good. But in the end you gave me peace of mind, and hope that someday I will see you again. I will miss you."

Ren finished lowering a single white rose and a small drawing on the grave.

With a small bow he walked away from the crowd and the grave of one Ogata Yamato.


End file.
